Friday, August 11, 2006

Making the Grade

I've rocked it out. I made the runner up list on for their headline contest twice in two weeks. What fun. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about then get your ass over to and enjoy the insults, racism, and complete idiocy of your fellow brethren. The world is a f#cked up place... and New York is our melting pot of steaming asshole stew. Embrace it.

On with the show:
My mind runs through random train wrecked thoughts at any given point of the day about any given amount of subjects and more than half of the time, they don't have a thing to do with solving the problems of the world (my self-appointed day job). Look, when you are forced to view all of the problems of the world and hoist them on your shoulders in a show of self-important gratuitous torture, your mind instantly reels into the realms of how to fix these problems in the most uncommon of nature... because obviously if the answer were so fucking easy, everyone would be able to do it.
Example: There was a film critic that watched my last little acting gig and likened the character to a "Brad Pitt type of smart-alec charisma." Hey, I was likened to Brad Pitt. Now, if I really wanted to become him I could get married, screw around with Angelina, adopt some babies, have a baby, save the world from poverty, call Bono a lazy bitch (that's just my personal take), and continue to top the A-List with a smile. Unfortunately, I'm more likely to take over where Mr. Ed left off and have a carrot shoved in my ass so that I look like I'm talking. Which brings me to the point...
There I was, brushing my teeth... staring blankly into the mirror... going over the random bits of information that had been crammed into my head the day before. It hit me.
Apparently Adrien Grenier thinks of himself as a B-List actor. "I guess that makes sense," I thought. He's certainly not a D-List. I mean... who would even be on a D-List? Drew Carey? Let's get this straight. Adrien Grenier is a B++ Actor (although he does a lot of standing around and smiling). Even though he is in a hit television show -- produced, filmed, and aired for HBO-- it is still a TV show. It's run through 3 great seasons. Adrien Grenier has a good thing going for him but he doesn't make a soul living acting in film. He's been in quite a few films. Hell, he's been in two Woody Allen Films (albeit, one was as an extra actually playing a member of an entourage). But he's not in the tabloids. Until he plows one through Lindsay Lohan he will more than likely not reach the A-List level that is saved for whether or not Jessica Simpson is screwing someone, why Toby Maguire gets fat and punches people, and why people think we actually give a shit that Mary Kate and/or Ashley is doing blow.
WHAT? Who is Adrien Grenier? PAY ATTENTION! Entourage is an addictive show. I find it fascinating in the way that only an acting dork could. There are facets that the show utilizes like a figure skater tracing a Picasso on a frozen pond. It's crafted to make a thirty minute show free of commercial breaks as exciting as possible. Look, just because you're too fucking cheap to pay for HBO every month doesn't mean that Entourage isn't a good show. They're canceling Deadwood because of people like you and Ian McShane is a fantastic actor. I really thought that he took it in the ass well when he played that gangster guy in SEXY BEAST.
Speaking of taking it in the ass. The last episode of Entourage had this whole gay innuendo thing with Johnny Drama that was hilarious. Johnny Drama by the way is played by Kevin Dillon... and Entourage made him a B List actor. Before he might have been a D--. I mean, he was only known for being Matt Dillon's brother, and for playing the drummer in THE DOORS. F#CK. Do I have to walk you through this everytime?

Then we run into the case of Jennifer Aniston. She rose through the ranks through marriage and the tabloids. Remember how her "top half" went through a transformation in the late 90's early 00's on Friends? I don't either but I've been watch TBS lately and man... at one point she had some big 'ol boobs. Wait, that's not the point. She was on Friends. And even though Friends was a hit "Must See" TV show (that I missed for several years in a row for some reason), she wasn't an A Lister. She was a high B Lister... and her boobs were... sorry. At least I stopped myself.
Anyway, we all know what happened. She had been doing some indie films here and there and then "BOOM" she's doing Brad Pitt. Brad took a while to hit the A List too... along with his pal Clooney. You know, had Jenn said yes to Ocean's Eleven then we could have really seen her take off. Perhaps she would have run off with George instead of Brad running off with Angelina. Imagine the Christmas parties... is that a bong made from a Honey Bear? Oh how clever!
So, she married up to the A List... then she got pity votes for a long time... because that was kind of shitty situation and she is pretty. However, we never really got to see her shine. The tabloids fueled the fire and then all of the sudden she's hopping cities and beds with Vince Vaughn? WTF? I didn't even have a shot! So, Jenn if you're reading this... don't take any of this personally. Too late huh? Damn you Vaughn... damn you... you win again. I will find you Vincent. And we will have a drunken slap fight in the middle of the street.
Vince on the other hand is an A-Lister. I mean, even though it took some time to get this kid on the radar after SWINGERS... I think that we all knew where he was going. Now if we can only get Vince and Jeremy Piven to do a movie together. Or maybe an episode of Entourage where they both waltz over to Nicholas Cage's house and beat him with a soup ladel until he shits dog food, just for making The Weather Man. Yes.... problem solved.


At 12:12 PM, August 14, 2006, Blogger Joe said...

Good job with the OHiNY runner-up-ness...

At 12:42 PM, August 26, 2006, Anonymous doug j. said...

I was checking out the overheardinnewyork site... and after about 10 pages, I see "Bevan." And it was a funny line! Good work!


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