Thursday, April 13, 2006

The humanitarian efforts of Hollywood

An Open letter to Stars and starlet:

Dear Hollywood,

There comes a time when the latest Hollywood fad becomes a remarkable flaw in humanitarian characteristics. I could go on and on about these "starlet's" rampant shopping sprees scattered amongst the various shops of Sunset Strip (or even their angry disbelief that the paparazzi won't leave them alone while they shop, visit Starbucks, and buy $400.00 cowboy shirts from Hugo Boss). I could take on the issue of irresponsible claims made towards prescription drugs or even the semi-religious cults that brainwash our lovable, picturesque film personalities. I will leave those issues for another day and another time. I will instead take this letter of opportunity to address an issue that far exceeds the regulated stupidity that seems to consume those fortunate enough to have a multi-million dollar paycheck for acting.
We've all seen Brad Pitt's new found love for wanting to help out those less fortunate countries of squalor by adopting their skinny, homeless children of poverty. I understand that you live in a world where a camera follows your every bowel movement. When you travel to a country that doesn't have DVD players, iPods, or MTV I'm sure that there is a fascination that these people have no fucking clue as to who you are or why you're there. They simply see a white man with money. Money opens eyes. Money buys food and water... money apparently also buys babies. However, we're not talking about a kitten, a rolly-polly puppy with worms, or even those damn Sugar Glider monkey/squirrels that you can find at a flea market. We are talking about a child.
Yes, these children may be given a better life through your acts of "heart-felt kindness." You can welcome them into a world of posh designer clothes, Xboxes, Mohawk, and something to eat other than dirt and rice. Normally that's a good thing. I mean, Bono has worked his ass off to bring the awareness to the destructive nature of Aids but I don't see him adopting any Aids babies (though I could be wrong about this in the next few days). Oh, and Bono... if you're reading this... shut the fuck up and make music... or at least something decent like The Joshua Tree.
Adopting a child from a foreign country has become as fashionable as buying a designer bag... but when you get tired of the kid you can't sell it on ebay. This is a human being, with emotions, choices, sexual preferences, and a whole hell of a lot to learn. I don't think that these celebrities are the best role models for children in general. Just follow the trail of where we've been before:
First we had lesbian celebes adopting children (because two gay men adopting a child would never be allowed... penises scare people), then there was that weird "fathering" incident with David Crosby, then the latest celeb baby boom, and weird names like Apple, Moses, Satangela...
I swear to God, if Paris Hilton adopts a child and puts it in a handbag there is going to be hell to pay...
Do you see where I'm going? I realize that it's hard to live a "normal" life once you make a bit of noise on the silver screen. You get chased by photographers, run into people with your Mercedes Benz while on your cell phone, rent out entire "family pizza joints" and get pissed off because someone video tapes you, marry someone and divorce them a week later... then marry your co-star, say things that get twisted around by the press and have to write an apology letter. It's a tough gig to be so rich and famous. I realize that you can't get drunk in public (Sienna Miller). I realize that you can't go to a Beastie Boys concert. I realize that every time you walk the dog someone is waiting for you not to pick up the poop so that they can sell the picture of you in sweatpants to some half-baked rag of a tabloid for $10,000. But please... please... stop adopting children from foreign countries... Unless there is some kind of conspiracy to cross breed the children and make a super-human race of robot like actors that are betrothed to wed, breed, and build a time machine to save the past. People around the world are going to think that America can buy anything as fashion accessories... including people. How cool would it be to show up at the red carpet premiere of Miami Vice with two adopted children in tow? Oh, what will they wear? Is that Osh-Kosh?!
Stop. Just stop. Go buy a motorcycle and crash it into Gary Busey's house.
Oh, and celebrities like Cary Grant were classy guys. They were seen in public looking as good as they were on screen. It's not acceptable to lounge around in basketball shorts, t-shirts with the sleeves cut off, and a ball cap while you stumble through on-coming traffic eating a bagel. Take some fucking pride in yourself... you're a movie star... wear something decent when you're out in public.


At 7:08 PM, April 13, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay Andy won't stop laughing from the Paris Hilton thing. I do have to say I never realized that adopting a child could become a fad...but leave it to hollywood. Good stuff -- top drawer--the cutters club gives this entery two thumbs up.

At 10:18 AM, April 20, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This stuff has certainly gotten pretty sub par over the last few weeks. I've come to the conclusion that Portland is definitely NOT the new Andy...


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