Bahnamahnah...

The production company decided to abandon the remake of Feltch, starring Andy Shepherd as David Hasselhoff's more attractive bi-curious better half, "Steve Stallone" (the other Stallone brother that is somehow even less talented than Frank). So, with another failed attempt at starting a film based on a script that was written on a THC and licorice whip high, we packed our bags full of clean underwear, socks, some dental floss, and a couple foil packets of Hellman's Original Mayonnaise and headed for the big city.
I had put a call in to Marty Scorsese to pick his brain about making a sequel to Taxi Driver, starring Andy Shepherd as David Hasselhoff's goofy roommate, "Steve Stallone." Marty insisted on using an older "Travis" and that Bobby Dinero was locked in. I told him that he was out of his mind and that Dinero would never surpass his performance in Meet The Fockers. "He's dead weight and he's going to bring you down," I screamed into the phone. "And stop your damned love affair with Leonardo DiCaprio. He's a two bit hack that couldn't act his way out of a ten year old unlubricated condom."
Marty started to cry and I had to apologize. Then I told him that his PBS Blues special was worse than Boxcar Bertha and I promptly hung up the phone.
"Screw him," I screamed into the echoed chambers of 3rd and 35th, "I'm doing the remake of Taxi Driver even if it kills Andy Shepherd as David Hasselhoff's goofy roommate, 'Steve Stallone.'"
Then I saw a guy with a sign that read, "NINJA KILLED PARENTS. NEED MONEY FOR KUNG-FU LESSONS." I gave him a two dollar bill. He said that crack dealer didn't take two dollar bills because they each carried a little of the evil spirit known as JEFFERSON... and that they would never watch "The Jeffersons" for that same reason, even after they had moved-on-up from "ALL IN THE FAMILY." Personally, I had no idea that Ninjas were crack dealers but I guess stranger things have happened.
So, Andy was bummed out that Marty Scorsese didn't give us his blessing. I made mention that a stripper would probably cheer those blues right out of his hair. He agreed... but only if he could kill her afterward. I couldn't deal with dead hookers at this point so we just went to the one area that housed an entire Catholic School full of all of the Z-rated material the eyes could handle... Times Square. You might imagine my surprise, when I found out that they cleaned up the entire Square. There wasn't a hand-job in sight! We just drank champagne out of high heeled shoes instead.
Our trip to New York wasn't long enough to film the remake of TAXI DRIVER, so I really don't know what the hell I was thinking yelling at Marty Scorsese on the phone... but I really did mean that bit about Leonardo DiCraprihoe... Knock that shit off. You haven't made a decent movie since BRINGING OUT THE DEAD and I'm still kind of pissed off about casting Nicolas Cage in that. We decided to try our luck with our studio connections back in Los Angeles.

It's amazing that people still get "star-struck" when they see Andy on the streets. The guy in this photo literally shit his pants. Seriously... there was shit. I mean, come on... the last decent work that Andy did was ordering the correct dish at an Indian Restaurant. Even then he was so drunk he was hooting and chanting on top of a table doing a "RAIN DANCE." I tried to tell him that it wasn't that kind of Indian... but then he tried to scalp me. Thank God I was able to rub curry in his eyes before he could take off his pants.
After our breakfast meeting with Tom Sizemore, we were good to make the trip back to San Francisco. That crazy son of a bitch can cook up some crank. I later found out that it was just rock candy soaked in Windex... but damn did it keep me up during the drive. So... I guess our next film project will be an adaptation of ON THE ROAD. Screw you Coppola I'm going to make the movie!!!!